I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
