My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
