Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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