I am puke
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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