I am spending my child support on dildos
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
