I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
