I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
