I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
