3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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