I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
