I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
