Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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