Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
