Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
