she was so not down for the gang bang
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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