you would pick up someone in the library
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
