If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Text me some of your sweat
Come on in and take your pants off
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