I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
