Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
