Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
