I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
