u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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