im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
