just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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