Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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