he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
