Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
