i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
