sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
