Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
