my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
