Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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