I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
