Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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