I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
