i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We just shotgunned beers for America
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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