I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
