i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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