life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
