Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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