Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
