I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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