Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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