i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
