so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize