Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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