I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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