i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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