I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I fill condoms, not promises.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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