I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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