i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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