Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
