nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize