there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The beer is more important than you right now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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