he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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