You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
be right there i have to get my cape
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
