He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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