When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My vagina is officially offended.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
