turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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