Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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