bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
