he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think your dad took our porno
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
