Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize