either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
