I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
