Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
